a follow-up

I’m not very good with words. I struggle. When I wrote about how I hate being skinny earlier this month, I’m not sure I was able to capture what I really wanted to say. So I’m glad I came across this spoken word performance: “Skinny”. It is much more beautifully said and very powerful. It hits home.

 

I’m also quoting one of the comments because I feel the same way:

“You don’t have an ass” “What boobs?” “Are you anorexic?” “Eat a cheeseburger already” “You need to eat more” “I can fit my hand around your wrist” “You are way to skinny” These are the thing that I have not only been told and have memorized my whole life, but also the words that have made me hate myself. But who cares right? because “Skinny girls are the ones who don’t need to be told their beautiful”. When did skinny become an insult? when did “Skinny” make me hate myself?”

 

I never gave much thought about my size, my being stick thin, until people started pointing it out every time. It probably started in high school or even earlier. I wasn’t exactly a cute, chubby kid growing up. I was always the payatot one. 

People constantly told me how thin I am, rarely as a compliment, always that I need to gain weight. So I’ve become extremely self/body conscious. I noticed that I am really thin compared to other girls and I feel ugly because of it (along with a ton of other things that I hate about my body). 

I used to be okay with my body type, it wasn’t a big deal, but people did not seem to be okay with it. It’s almost always seen as a “lack” and that I need to gain some weight, fats or muscle.

I have since forever loathed how flat-chested I am, how thin my legs are. Until now I can’t wear shorts, skirts or dresses comfortably because people look at my skinny legs and someone (most of the time a friend) will remind me how thin I am. All the time! If I had 1 peso for every comment about my weight, I could afford nice clothes to cover up my body to distract everyone from my thinness.

I am actually looking forward to winter, even if I detest the cold, because I can finally cover up this skinny body and maybe for once people will stop telling me that I need to gain weight / how I need to have some fats / how skinny I am.

In college, an orgmate joked that I look like an African kid because of my body. He was a guy.

Almost everytime I meet friends I haven’t seen in a while, they will always greet me with “Ang payat mo pa rin”. Hanging out with friends always meant dealing with “Ang payat mo! Pataba ka!” comments.

In my previous work, my weight had been a running joke. They said they would attempt to make me fat. “Patabain si Aya” could be a new sport given the number of times people have joked about it at work and outside.

I’ve hungout with three guys from Tinder since I moved to Auckland and two of them made minor comments about my weight. Minor because it was never the focus of discussion, just inserted casually into the conversation.  I just met these guys and they had managed to mention something about my being thin. One used “slim”. I was wearing a denim jacket and a long dress. My thinness was not emphasized hence “slim”. Did I mention that even jeans make me self-conscious now? They highlight how skinny my legs are. Ugh.

I am twenty-five and still so terribly insecure and part of it is a result of years and years of comments about my weight.

I am thin. Get the fuck over it! Cos now, I cannot get over it! It has been a daily struggle having this body and thinking how unattractive it is. I hate my body more than ever and it is hard to fathom how any guy could like me because I am way too skinny and don’t look womanly. And it is even harder to fathom when the comments would stop and when my self-loathing would end.

Shitty Poetry Sunday

Nanliliit ako.
Araw-araw ganito.
Minsan naiisip kong tumalon sa bintana pero maliit lang yung “slit” ng bintana sa kwarto.
Di ako kasya kahit maliit at nanliliit ako.
Di ko alam kung malala na ‘to.
Siguro.

Piha

Kung san dapat tayo pupunta
Kaso lang nang-iwan ka

Kaya ito
Di na ko tumigil kakaisip sa ‘yo