I think I’m experiencing hypomania.  I don’t know, I’m not sure. Earlier this year, I finally saw a psychiatrist and after one appointment he concluded that I probably have bipolar disorder II (which is different from BP I because the latter has the more intense MANIA). Hypomania is a lot less intense but I wasn’t really sure if I believed him because 1) is it possible to diagnose someone that easily? after just talking for a few minutes? 2) my life just feels like one huge depression and anxiety rolled into one, as opposed to having those brief but productive hypomanic episodes. I only saw him once and haven’t sought a “second opinion”.

Anyway, lately, I noticed things are a bit more intense. I am super irritable! For instance, prior to “hypomania”, I already hate how one of my flatmates is sooooo loud in the kitchen (closing the microwave so loud, banging utensils, plates, opening cabinets too loud, you get the picture) and I hate how the noise wakes me up. I noticed these past couple of mornings that my rage seems to have tripled. I keep thinking I WANT TO SHOOT HER or something like that (I mean how irrational is that????) :|. Also lately I’ve been cursing more than usual and feeling angry over my stupid readings for uni, because WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF READING THEM???? They are boring as hell and I just do not fucking care anymore. SEE???? My anger’s just blown out of proportion 😦

AAAAAAAND I am spending so much time online-shopping again, even during the wee hours of the morning. In fact, I ordered a few basic clothes but managed not to buy anything from urban outfitters, asos, topshop even if I spent HOURS browsing their stuff. UGH. I read on the internet that impulsive shopping is a sign of hypomania. My case is not too bad though, I think I’m still in control and am able to stop myself. G-R-E-A-T.

AAAAAAAAAND I can’t sleep 😦 I mean it’s quite normal for me to have trouble sleeping because I overthink too much, but it’s just more palpable lately?????? 😦 I’ve been sleeping around 3AM nowadays because I am just stuck in bed thinking, tossing and turning. But like I said, this is not too unusual.

I am feeling social as well and HELLA TALKATIVE. The past two nights I was out with friends I’m not super close with, yet I find myself blurting out whatever’s in my head, which is not too bad. I kinda embrace this version me because I feel confident????? Only a bit.

Eventually, if this is indeed what I think it is, I’ll be the same miserable mess that I was just a few days ago. Don’t get me wrong, I still am a miserable mess right now but with a bit more energy and confidence and anger (this last one though could be attributed to the fact that I am going to get my period soon).





Mga kuha sa iniwan kong kuwarto. Dalawa sa napakaraming litrato sa cellphone ko. Marami akong kuha ng view sa labas kasi kahit kailan hindi ata ako nagsawa. Lalo na yung pagabi na. Napakaganda.

Siyam na buwan akong kinupkop ng kuwartong ‘to. Marami akong itinulog, iniyak, isinulat at inisip dito. Nakita niya kong kinikilig, nakita akong umibig. Nasubaybayan ang ating pag-uusap. Mga sandaling puno ng sabik. Kaunting halik. Yakap. Pero mas maraming oras ang mahirap. May mga araw na masaklap.

Pagbalik, maninibago sa bagong kuwarto. Maiisip yung luma. Yung nakasanayan. Yung minahal nang lubusan. Pero kailangang kalimutan. Susubukan.

Not that I have a chronic illness that I know of but this is still pretty spot-on, especially on days when I have no commitments. When I tell people I am in bed 12hours a day, it’s not 12hours of quality, restful sleep (kung pwede nga lang). What really happens is 2hrs of pre-sleep rumination, tossing and turning (doesn’t make a difference if I’m exhausted, which is everyday kahit wala ko masyado ginagawa; my mind still goes on overdrive once I lie down in bed); followed by at least 8hrs of sleep if I’m lucky.

When I finally wake up, I spend another 1-2hrs of feeling useless (right after the painful realization that I’m awake and have to face the world again). It’s another cycle of worrying, overthinking, overfeeling and hating myself. Miraculously, I am able to gather some energy(?)/motivation(?)/reasons to get up. Some days/nights are better than others. Hirap mga besh, pero kaya naman because life is still beautiful and worth living lol