Mga kuha sa iniwan kong kuwarto. Dalawa sa napakaraming litrato sa cellphone ko. Marami akong kuha ng view sa labas kasi kahit kailan hindi ata ako nagsawa. Lalo na yung pagabi na. Napakaganda.

Siyam na buwan akong kinupkop ng kuwartong ‘to. Marami akong itinulog, iniyak, isinulat at inisip dito. Nakita niya kong kinikilig, nakita akong umibig. Nasubaybayan ang ating pag-uusap. Mga sandaling puno ng sabik. Kaunting halik. Yakap. Pero mas maraming oras ang mahirap. May mga araw na masaklap.

Pagbalik, maninibago sa bagong kuwarto. Maiisip yung luma. Yung nakasanayan. Yung minahal nang lubusan. Pero kailangang kalimutan. Susubukan.

Not that I have a chronic illness that I know of but this is still pretty spot-on, especially on days when I have no commitments. When I tell people I am in bed 12hours a day, it’s not 12hours of quality, restful sleep (kung pwede nga lang). What really happens is 2hrs of pre-sleep rumination, tossing and turning (doesn’t make a difference if I’m exhausted, which is everyday kahit wala ko masyado ginagawa; my mind still goes on overdrive once I lie down in bed); followed by at least 8hrs of sleep if I’m lucky.

When I finally wake up, I spend another 1-2hrs of feeling useless (right after the painful realization that I’m awake and have to face the world again). It’s another cycle of worrying, overthinking, overfeeling and hating myself. Miraculously, I am able to gather some energy(?)/motivation(?)/reasons to get up. Some days/nights are better than others. Hirap mga besh, pero kaya naman because life is still beautiful and worth living lol